Dear guys at Arch87,
I’m just a regular guy living in (name of metropolitan) and I want to get rich by putting a book out there that lets me connect with the Indian masses. I want my life experiences penned down on paper and shared with the rest of the like minded young, aspiring individuals out there. How do I do that? Any help would be most appreciated.
Hey Book dude!
Nikhil here. Thanks for your letter. How you managed to find our mailing address I have no clue and what makes you think we have the expertise to help you in your goal of achieving literary fame and fortune is beyond us. But worry not, I’m here to help you in the best way I can. To be quite honest the easiest way to fame and celebrity status is to pen down your school and college experiences as a sort of memoir. This is because no two college experiences are alike. Yours might have had a great social life, plenty of joyous memories hazing freshmen and of course the love life while the other guy’s might have been full of home sickness, depression and a general sense of malaise accompanying the four most miserable years of his life. But you are at great risk of taking a hit if your story is full of fun and distinct memories. Time and again it is proven that a generic story is a proven best-seller. So here are a few tips to get that best seller churning! Let’s start off with the characters.
· The Protagonist (henceforth referred as the hero)
The name of the protagonist should contain 5 or fewer letters. 4 is the golden number. Statistics* have shown that greater than four characters have cataclysmic consequences on the reader’s retention abilities. If in doubt, simply stick to “Rahul”. There’s no going wrong with Rahul. He must embody the normal stereotype of the student- an innocent boy who blossoms into maturity while falling in love, experiencing the hostel life, complaining about the terrible food and also about the horrendous classes and the lecturer with the mandatory speaking disability. Appearance wise, he should be as average and ordinary looking as possible. Look in the mirror for inspiration.
*-Figures pulled from air.
· The sidekick
You need a lackey who follows the hero’s every whim and fancy, participates in dangerous missions and narrates the hero’s character development without appearing to do so. He will also point out the hot “chick” (read classmate) on page 11 of the novel that will turn out to be the hero’s love interest (henceforth known as heroine). And finally the dutiful sidekick has to mutely witness the hero’s ass getting kicked by the possessive, violent reprobate of a senior who has his eye (and other organs) on the heroine. The sidekick will later dress the hero’s wounds or admit him in the hospital ward and say in the crassest way possible “I told you she was trouble, yaaaar!!”
· The other best friend
The role of the other best friend is simple. He exists solely so that the reader doesn’t at some point wonder,” Does Rahul have only one best friend?” He can appear randomly in the food court scenes where he delivers the hot samosas and coffee to the hero and sidekick while they are plotting on how to get back at the bully while striking a chord with the heroine. And after the hero marries the heroine in the end, the other best friend will be there to hit on the bridesmaids, thus adding to the general hilarity and human depravity at the same time.
· The Love interest (henceforth referred as the heroine)
This woman should captivate the heart of the hero and an unrealistic (by human standards) description of her hair, face, skin color and how the tightness of her attire accentuates her features (wink wink) must be given. Her lips must be glossy, her hair silky and boyishly cut, her dress must “hug her figure” and her eyes must be alive with rapacious lust, yet conforming to traditional Hindu values. Close your eyes and read the description you’ve written; if it stirs images of that hot Portuguese model you saw on Midnight Hot on F-TV last night, you’ve nailed it (no pun intended).
This should cover the basics! In the next part, I’ll tell you the basic plot and scenes that go into the generic “novel of youth”. Till then, work on those character designs!